Thoughts to Sleep On

Quite often I wonder
who I am
and who I am to become.

The thought of my future
is a terrifying one.

It is too easy to sit here
and ponder our existence.

But to commit and grow...
that is something new entirely.

I like the emptiness of my days
I enjoy the quiet when I rest my head
on my pillow
before
my eyes
slowly
slide
shut.

If only to fly

Upon this cloud
I rest my head
The wind rushing
through my hair
behind my ears
caressing my body
with a coarse tenderness

It howls
longingly
Or so I assume

-maybe it is
only my heart-
Beating loud
as thunder
roaring
in the near distance

One, two, three...

The echo rolls across the lake 
close by
and in through the cracked window

Quite often I would wish upon a star
but when my innocence was shatter I grew up
I lost that blind innocent faith
That there was someone
larger than life
who could save
my shattered soul.

The heavens all around me
And I realize
this is no heaven,
but a dream
And no matter how hard I pray
you will never
come home
No matter how hard I cry out
in the middle of the aching night
You will not run to me
like you once did.

You are gone.

-
Upon this cloud
I wait for the world
to pass me by
in hopes
that someday
I will jump
and die 
only to fly

You look out your window
at the rain
pouring down
-heavy drops
weighing
down on the
soaked soil

Feeling the
heaviness
seep
into
your heart.

The years have molded and changed us into different people
than we once were
but still
I believe in you
and your heart.

My heart fades into the night
consumed by the universe.

The stars shining down
brilliantly,
Dancing through
the thick tree cover.

The light of the moon
guiding me home.

My hands
reach out
high above my head

The darkened sky
a mirror image
of my shining eyes.

As I quietly whisper,
"Take me home."

Left.

There are certain things
that I don't talk about

At least not
anymore.

But sometimes
I need to break the silence.

-

My brother
is gone.

Gone from this world.
Forever.

I look into my father's eyes
and see the tears
Waiting to fall.

I listen to my mother's voice
crack with each word
and the pain behind her laughter.

I sit on the edge of the world
struggling with my own depression
and sometimes I wish someone
would reach out
and save me.

Most days are better
than others

But it's when the silence creeps in
that my demons decide to play.

My little brother asking
if he's in Heaven
My older brother battling
demons of his own.

We're broken.
And I deny my own pain.

I swallow it up
until it devours me

-

The day breaks
My feet dangle in thin air
The breeze caressing my face.

I'm just sitting here
on the edge of the world

Waiting for the pain
to take me away.
Waiting for the depression
to swallow me whole.

And nobody knows.

Nobody feels the ache in my heart.

-
Why did you have to go?

Surrounded by new faces
Unfamiliar
I scratch at my throat

I itch in my seat
My feet tap impatiently.

Consumed within the madness
I close my eyes.

-Release-

A quiet meadow
Only the sound of a small stream
and birds chittering away.

Tall grass surrounds me
and nearby I am encircled
by looming trees.

My lungs fill themselves
And then
I exhale

-Eyes Open-

Blank spaces in time.

Quite often.

Silenced heart.

And they ask me,
"Who are you?"

I respond,
"I am not certain.
-I do not belong here.
And I fear
that I must be going now."