Pain

No one will ever understand this pain.  But it's here.  And it's real.  And there's no way to make it go away.

I am dealing with it.  Surviving each day on my own.
I miss you.  Each day on my own.
Living.  Each day on my own.

We will meet again.  Someday.
I'm not particularly sure when that will be.
I'm not sure how that will be.  But it will be.  I know.

On Letting Go

No one will ever understand this pain,

Unless he has felt it himself.

I did not wish this pain on anyone.

Yet,

He's crying all the same. 

The rope that I held onto?

I did not let it go.

The rope snapped violently

and whipped back at me 

as the storm raged on.

I fell.

Lost in this endless ocean,

there I was forced to swim on and on

until the only thing left to do

was survive. 

I can survive

For I am alive.

I can save him

or at least throw the rescue rope.

Perhaps he will grab on.

Perhaps he won't.

But it is my duty all the same

to try.

Dreams

You came to me in a dream.  I wasn't quite sleeping, but I was far from being awake.  I saw the land of dreams just over the horizon, but had much of a journey left to go.  Eyes flickered open, then half closed.  Then they slowly sank down,

into

sleep.

Bursts of white and gold light.
Your laughter.

I can still hear it.

Peace.
Your warm embrace.
I haven't felt this much love in too long.
You tell me,
"I love you.
This is not the end."

This isn't the end.

I saw heaven in that instant.  I saw you.

The land of dreams approaches.  I continue on with open arms.

Long Night

Haven't cried in over a week.  But last night I did.  I cried for a while.  I begged and pleaded with God.  I did everything I could.  And you're still not here.

I woke up exhausted, as if I struggled physically in those hours I spent crying.  I did.

I'm spent.
Done.
Dying.
Not quite dead.

Miss you.
Miss being happy.
Miss the moments when the family is all together.
All happy.
Never again.

Never afuckingain.

A Month Ago

A month ago you died.
Just four weeks ago.
I miss you every day.

We all do.
Wake up.
Just wake up.
Please.

God.
Please.

Wake him up.

Words

In these words,
there is healing.

There is the recognition that this is
indeed
not the end

There is hope that one day
we will wake up
and we will be together again

We will be.

In these words,
there is love.

There is the hope that the sun
will in fact
rise again tomorrow

For it will.

In the words,
there is remembrance.

There is the thought that this
truly
is not our story's end.

For all great stories
have great endings.