I have been latching onto words, phrases, quotes, spreading them like wildfire in hopes that someone will see, and read them, and understand what it is to be me.  What it is to believe in the sun and the stars, and that love overcomes all obstacles and will prevail.  The child in me will never die.  My heart is of gold, my mind is of darkness.  Corrupted by age, influenced by impulse.  If only the light could find me.

The sun is rising slowly over the sleeping world
Gently whispering
           -Wake my children,
              The new day has come-
A bright glow on the horizon,
    The fire of an old world becoming anew.

Words that I Needed to Read

"Age of twenty,

There are more uncertainties than certainties.

Once dreamed of future in teenage years,

But now conflicting between the dream and a reality.

Vodka will help to avoid a future,

But temporarily.

We need God."

Dear Stranger,

It feels like it has been years since I fell into this deep sleep.
                                     I am lost
                         within this sickening dream
           or bitter sweet nightmare

-I don't know.

I'm trying not to care

The pain has ripped out my heart
and devours it before my bleeding eyes

The same question haunts my every thought:

Where do you go when you want to be alone?

Do you close your eyes,

and do you cry?

Wallowing yourself up in the dark.

Do you hide 

on the inside?

The pain staying raw as cut flesh

left unhealed 

Because you will never forget

-the wound consumes you-

Or do you simply disappear 

within the dream world you hold dear?

the chaos is all a sweet delusion 

soon to disappear when you awaken

-

I don't know my answer.

It has stuck with me for years now

from a grammar exercise in ninth grade English

The question never fades

Dear Stranger,

I miss you, quite suddenly.  The wound has festered a bit; it has swollen, and oozed.  

You are no longer here to aid me.

I am infected.

Dear Stranger,

If you wake alone, 

know that I had to leave before you could know

that the me you know, is nobody.  

I am a ghost.
Hallow 

and unreal.

My insides are rotten with time and darkness.

My heart was torn out, and broken years ago.

The smile you saw

was a lie

a fake

I am nothing more than an image

An old shattered thought

What you see right before you dream

If you awake alone

know that I love you too much to stay

that the me you know, is dead.

Eternal Love,

Always.

A Survey of Sorts

Let us start off slow
          catch our breath
   and begin all over again

Who am I?
Who am I but a stranger
                      a loner
                      a no one looking to be alone
I am myself

And what do they call me?
Something rather hard to pronounce to the rest of the population
                                                                                 Kirsten

How do I feel?
Sad
Alone
Depressed
Lost
Like a weight is on my chest
Like my heart is sinking
I can hardly breath it seems
                             these days

News is that I have a lot going on, an engagement even.  How does that make me feel?
Awesome
Excited
Happy
Sad
Alone
Depressed
Lost
I guess I don't know.

                               But this is what I want, is it not?
                                                                  Of course!
                                                       This is everything
                                           That I could ever want.
I love him so much, how could it not be?

How was the doctor's appointment today?

The same is it always is.
I'm depressed
I'm anxious
and I got a vaccine.

Oh, and I took another crazy test.
To prove that I need crazy pills
that I won't pick up
because I am also scared.

                                      When did life become so difficult?
                                                I am simply too tired 
                                                   For all of this.

Random thoughts

I like songs about drifters - books about the same. 
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane. 
Walked on off to another spot. 
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want. 
Did I want love? Did I need to know? 
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

- World at Large by Modest Mouse

Haven't done any writing in a long time.  I guess I should. The more I think about everything, the more real it seems.  I just want to stop thinking.  When did we grow up?  And why are we exactly the same?  Perhaps I'm not ready.... what will happen to me then? To us?  I always push people away before they know me.  Everyone except you.  I wish I could close my eyes and it was like none of this happened.  What would I be then?  Who would I have become?

I'm not suicidal, all that I want is to disappear.  And then I'll know what comes in the afterlife.  Then I'll know if there's a god, or if there's just darkness.  The perpetual darkness creeping into my eye sockets as the light fades from them.  Or what if it comes as a rebirth, and it all starts over?  If I could relive my life with you, I would every time.  What if as soon as the black fills your vision, a bursting bright light of new life consumes you?  That's what I hope for.  Heaven sounds too exacting.  Not everyone can go.  I love you too much to have eternity in paradise without you.  

I haven't felt so alone in a long time.  It's not that I'm lonely, it's that the days are hallow with monotony and repetition.  I've come to the painful realization that my childhood will soon be left behind. All my past friends have moved on, as I have, I suppose.  It hurts.  To breathe and feel the reality sinking in.  I guess that's what therapy is for.

For telling myself that the past will simply disappear if I allow it to.  I'm not ready to move on.  Not quite yet.  My mind won't let me.  I am a prisoner to myself.  The dreams keep coming, and the fear is as fresh as if the wound were just inflicted.  It won't stop bleeding.  But if I close my eyes, one day the pain will simply fade away.  I can only hope.  I can only pray that one day this fear will disappear.  

She asks me what I dream about, and I tell her honestly... they're about running away from the fear, feeling the pain stab into me like a knife in my chest, they're about death, dying, and ghosts that haunt me.  Sometimes they're not so dreadful though, sometimes they're about love, joy, and the sunshine falling down upon my freckled face.  They're always about you.  Sometimes they're about losing you.  Sometimes they're about being with you.  Sometimes I only see your face for an instant and then you're gone.  

How does this happen?  When did I wake up in love with you?  I don't know.  Sometimes I wish that I never met you.  You would be better off, that's for sure.  But I love you so much, and I know that you love me.  And that's all that I could ever ask for.  

I'll do what I have to
if it gets me closer to where you are

Each day seems longer than the last
Each night as restless as the one before
but maybe if I just close my eyes
it'll all go away

I miss you
but maybe if I just close my eyes
You will fade away