The Long Walk Home

Hand in yours,
I walk quietly.

The sun in my eyes,
Packed dirt below my bare feet,
my throat closes with fear and uncertainty

Thoughts racing through the back of my mind
While the front holds back everything I never told you
And your grip loosens as you notice my fear

I never wanted to feel like this
I never wanted to tell you this

The Earth stands still
You stand still
And it's just me,
again,

As it is supposed to be.

I once told you forever
and I was trying to be as honest as I could
- but now I don't know

The wind is stopped
Light fragments as tangible as the leaf stuck in mid air
As the water molecules remnant in your exhale

I kiss you

Time starts once more
as the Earth begins to move under our feet
Your eyes grow wide
Then relax
and kiss back

My hand pushes you back,
Your arms hold me captive
Eyes promising me a tomorrow
While mine beg for an always

Lips lying about a yesterday
            Without you
I won't
           Forget you

I couldn't         No matter how much I tried

But I expect that you could, me

You close your eyes
and I am gone

A curious thought...
But it has led me to your doorstep;
Camera in one hand
Journal in the other

After snapping a picture of your face
as you opened the door,
I tell you that I now understand
and must show you

The calm breeze gently caressed your skin
lightly tossed your hair
As the sun glittered out from your eyes

You looked at me,
All but surprised
took my hand
and led me inside

We sat in your living room,
the sun peering in through your opened windows
Light filling the whole house
The smell of lilacs and wildflowers flowing in freely

Your hand reached out and touched my face
Steady and strong
you lifted my chin
Beautiful eyes looking back into mine

And in this moment
Our lips will meet

The journal will fall,
pages turning by gravity's will
as thoughts are sifted by
drawings as drawn and then erased by another moment
of another day

As we share this moment,
the final page reads,
"I am nothing without you."

If a god does exist, he sure does hate me this week.

My Last Hope

I'm getting myself together
Folding my thoughts up neatly
Sorting through them
As I decide how to place them in my soul bag

I pull on my dignity
Grab the honesty before I forget it on my cluttered desk
Then head for the door

Taking once last glance back,
Anger glares at me through the slits of the closet's double doors
Depression cries out from the dishwasher

Continuing to glance around,
I almost failed to notice the piggy bank on my side table,
I take up a hammer in my hand and crack it open
Hope flies out in a fury
But I calm her, speaking quietly and gently,
telling her that it's time to leave this haunted home

Tucking her into the pocket of my faded, worn spirit,
She rests peacefully.

I grab my soul bag of thoughts,
sorted neatly,
walk through the door,
and then never looked back.

Dear Mother,

I keep looking out the window,

wondering when I will be going home.

It's been two months 

Though it feels like it could have been longer

I must admit,

Though I guess that I am used to the distance,

The time between visits seems to be taking more of a toll

than I thought was possible

We have phones

and the internet

letters

and texts

But a simple moment together

in peace and in prayer 

I begin to wonder about the life waiting

just before me...

Will it be wonderful like I imagine it to be?

There are so many dreams that I have had

but cannot seem to piece together

Is it all that difficult as it seems?

And if the path leads me astray 

how do I find my way home?

I'm awfully prone to getting lost

without a clue

calling home because I have no idea

of what I should do

Dear Mother,

Sometimes I look to the sky

and wonder if this will all be worth it.

I imagine that it will be

but I don't want to go it alone,

so I am asking of you,

Please leave the door open 

for when I decide to come home.

Love,

Boo

Dear God,

We haven't spoken in a while.  

To be honest,

I don't know why I'm trying to talk now.

We both know where I stand with you.

I'm not angry.

I'm not lost.

I'm exploring the world within myself.

Just leave the door unlocked for when I come home.

Sincerely,

Somethings you can never leave behind

I come to her bed and take her hand,
“Mother,” I say, “It is time for you to go.”
She looks up at me with tired, weary eyes
And whispers to me “I have wanted to for some time,
You know.”

She turns her head to look outside
To see beyond the white curtains
And glass window
Her enclosed prison that has held her
For too long a time

The nice man told her it would be soon
And she cried

I do not know whether it was joy
Or sorrow that I saw in her eyes

I do not know whether it was joy or sorrow
That I felt inside

Brother brought her flowers today
He leaned down and hugged her gently
As not to hurt her
But it does
Everyday it hurts her to be alive

She would never admit it
But the silver frame that has father’s youthful face
Crystallized with time
Would tell you another story

A story of when she believed in not only love
But in life

The nice man gave her a choice
And she chose to walk with him

He took her hand and told her that everything would be alright
She would soon see the valleys and mountains,
The sun, the moon, the stars, and the clouds that gather in Heaven’s sky

He told her that her days were numbered but that in her
He could always find life
And he was right

I remember my mother’s long flowing hair
How it would turn to gold in the sunlight
As she twirled around
taking it in as thought it was the very essence of youth

As she laughed and grabbed my father’s hand
They would part, then collide and kiss
As though the universe could not pull them apart
But it did

I laid with Mother
And asked if she needed anything
She closed her eyes
Breathed in deeply
Then said, “Take me home, dear Lord,
I pray that you take me home.”

She reached for the glass,
Hands shaking as she took hold
She told my brother and me,
“I have only believed in two things in my life;
In Christ Almighty and in love.  Promise me
That each day you will trust in God
And trust in love.  Promise me this.”

We promised quietly,
As she took her first sip of her medication
It was bitter but she continued

We could only sit by her and watch
As she slowly slipped away
A lady until the death

I whisper to myself
Mother,
We will miss you
Each and every day