Waves.

Overcoming grief is not strength 

It is not staying tough by any means

it is simply

Surviving.

Overcoming grief is delaying the waves

that crash in from all sides

Dripping over your eyes 

Forcing you to bathe in depression,

Forcing you to see your own sorrow

And so continues the cycles.

And so, 

I sit here and wonder

when the waves will take me next.

Let us Remember

It's hard to look back
knowing what you have lost.

Being the parents,
now questioning your every choice
Or the siblings
feeling guilty over every rivalry
and argument
Or the friend
Feeling like you should have done
something, anything.
Even just said goodbye.

So many words left unsaid,
so many memories left unlived

We bleed for each other,
knowing the other's pain
We bleed for ourselves
remembering even for a single moment
each day
What we have lost.
Or rather,
Who.

A whole generation
at war with themselves
At war with their demons

Our lives are slipping away
but who seems to notice these days
anyway?

To the common eye
We are among the broken
and the damned
Cursed by ourselves
and each other.

We are told this is all we have to live for
And some days I let myself believe that.

It is so hard to look back
knowing what you have lost
while uncertain of where
tomorrow will take you.

Dreaming of another life
somewhere far away from here
and now
Someplace safe.
But in many cases, my love,
that is death.

Let us instead dream
of tomorrow
of living for each other
getting through the storm
to see the sun
shining brilliantly overhead
kissing our bruised
and scarred skin

Let us see ourselves for who we are
-Broken
Soon to be fixed
-Lost
Finding self
-Damned
Saved by a hope
for a better tomorrow.  

 It is hard for me
to look back
knowing just how much we have all lost.
And for that
I bleed for you.
All of you.

Let us remember.

“That was the thing about the world: it wasn't that things were harder than you thought they were going to be, it was that they were hard in ways that you didn't expect.” 
― Lev Grossman, The Magician King

Grief

Which way am I going?

Who am I becoming?

And where did I go?

~

The mirror reflects a stranger

staring with grey eyes

and pale skin,

scratching...

-pounding at the glass

to break out

To let the world hear of her horrors

I tell myself that I don't know her

I don't know that face

those tears,

where did those come from?

No,

I-

I know nothing of who she is.

I know nothing of the pain plaguing my her heart.

The silent echo of her screams

haunt me in my dreams,

we're young

just kids

laughing

playing

and then

it hits me all over again

It's just a dream.

I look into the mirror

Who am I?

A shadow image

of the girl I she once used to be

I don't want to live like this

Hiding away from my friends

my family

making excuses for my own reflection

following me as I look back at myself

wondering

how I let myself become this person

She gives me a pained smile

a beautiful smile

But it is something 

And something is better than nothing

As the winds blow furiously at me 

from all directions

I am on my knees,

begging

screaming

but no one can hear

She just looks on 

Empathy and tears filling her eyes

And then I realize

It is I who am behind the looking glass

and it is She who needs me

~

I yell to the sky

asking why this has happened

and why I have been left 

to slowly pick up the pieces

of my shattered life.

Grief stricken parents,

a brother suffering his own guilt and grief,

a younger brother finding his own way

through a world much crueler than he.

And I, the sister,

watching from the edge of the world

as the pieces move together, 

then apart.

Trying to hold our family together

All the while 

tearing at the seams.

~

I watch from the edge of the world

as asteroids collide with our fragile Earth

I watch as the ground beneath me 

is shattered

and all I can do is beg

for mercy.

~

Mayhaps 

we shall meet again.

Mayhaps.

In another time.  

Another life.

With all of my love 

and all of my life,

Kirsten

P.S.  even in silence, I speak your name. To hear your voice.

~

The stars,

may they shine bright 

on this very night

for you.

It was always

for you.

Dead silence fills our home

as twilight falls upon us

I look into your eyes

and know

I am yours.

You are mine.

The sun is setting
slowly

And in these last moments
There is
Hope.

WE ARE THE SURVIVORS

There is something that should be said for the survivors.
Something.
What exactly,
I do not know.

There is something that should be said for the survivors,
the overcomers
the down trodden
beaten
and damned

Those who have looked the Devil
right in his eyes
and had the gall to tell him,
"Not today, sir. Not today."

There is something that should be said for the heartbroken,
who have lost their way,
the last bit of love in their heart,
Yet, still have the need to see tomorrow
despite how uncertain it looks.

There is something that should be said for the survivors,
Who have felt the blade cut deep,
felt it twist, and then nothing.
Having to pull the blade out themselves.

Some think it is strength,
but I dare say, rather,
they are now numb.

Here is to the survivors.
Where to feel anything at all
is  to feel alive.

While there may be a hole in my heart,
a permanent tear frozen under my eye
and my bones ache from the cold

Each day
you refill my life
with love
beauty
and a reason to look forward
to tomorrow

You wipe away
my tears
telling me about the life
that one day we'll have
and whether it's true
or not
I don't care
all I care about
is you

The cold that resides in the depths of my bones,
you cure so easily.
The warmth of your body
radiating through my skin
getting down right into my core

And my God,
you fill me with so much life
and so much love.

I would be empty
without you.