I want more than this.
I want more than lying awake at night,
scared.
Contemplating if I should lock the doors
or if it's all just a dream and I'm fine.
Thinking of every regret,
every mistake,
and who I have left to apologize to
or to thank
Nights like these when I wish
I could tune it all out
and just sleep
Just drift off
into
Neverland
And never come back.
Beyond the awful reality
that at some point or another
you're going to lose
someone whom you love,
and perhaps,
someone whom you love
most of all.
Beyond the guilty thoughts
that maybe it should have been me instead
It's 12:41 p.m.
The wind chimes
are softly singing
the light of midday
gentle, and calm
drifts with me
into a day dream
Friday, October 25, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Identity
Every day without you is a reminder
of how we have survived your void.
Barely.
The holes in our hearts are gaping
but we have managed to patch them up
poorly,
but just enough to continue on.
To make the world
that much more beautiful
For you.
“But how can I learn to live in a world that doesn’t include my brother? All my life, I’ve always been my brother’s sister; it’s part of my identity, part of who I am. My brother is part of my past; we share a common history. And we had plans for the future.”
― T.J. Wray
Finally found a quote that spoke specifically to me. Like CS Lewis says, death is like an amputation. Losing my brother was like cutting away my own identity. A few days before his passing, we had talked about him coming down to 'Bama to visit. Talked about him checking out the air museum on base, and how he was excited to enlist, and maybe he could become a pilot one day like he had always dreamed. We laughed about my recent visit with our grandparents, and his stories from the last few months. Talked about what was coming up for each of us. Then my phone died, and I never got to say "Bye, love you." The only time that I forgot (it's important to our family to say it) and then a couple days later, he was gone.
I've told this story a hundred times by now, but I still am in disbelief by how sudden death came and flipped our world upside-down. Every Friday that it rains reminds me of when I heard the news. Going numb in my legs. Crying even though I knew it wouldn't change anything. Writhing in bed when I was sobbing too hard to sleep and the pain was too much. My husband having to leave shortly after the death and funeral for an Army training, and being alone to grieve (I was relieved to be alone truth be told). Putting on a strong face when he came home to tell myself that I'm better than this. Trying to survive each day, and sleep through the night. The nights when I lie in bed thinking of who I still need to talk to, to tell whoever it is "I love you, and I'm proud of you." Thinking of those I've hurt and all my regrets. While I keep telling my brain to shut up and let me rest.
Or the nights when the pain comes back, sharply stabbing into my heart (there's a physical pain associated by grief in case you didn't know, which is pretty interesting to think about). My husband being asleep, and there's no one else awake to talk to. Or the people who have never lost and try to give you advice, or tell you how to live. Hiding from friends because you're too depressed to show your face. Every date of significance, dreading someone mentioning him, but then again, dreading that they don't.
Seeing my parents in pain, and knowing that there's nothing we can do, as the remaining children, to fix the hurt in their heart. The late night phone calls with sobbing on the other end, comforting my cousin. Afraid to cry too, wanting to be strong and pick everyone else back up while some days... on the inside I feel like I'm the one dying. Trying to avoid the subject with friends, or act casual when it's brought up. Getting the weird looks with my calm approach. Exploring my spirituality while walking blind in the dark, then turned away by the candle I thought was burning the brightest.
Only God can judge me. I cannot wait until the day we meet again.
You have made me numb,
You have made me crumble.
You have created a world
too cruel to live in.
Too beautiful
to live without.
Each moment without you reminds me
of our own mortality.
One day, my dear brother, we will meet again.
of how we have survived your void.
Barely.
The holes in our hearts are gaping
but we have managed to patch them up
poorly,
but just enough to continue on.
To make the world
that much more beautiful
For you.
“But how can I learn to live in a world that doesn’t include my brother? All my life, I’ve always been my brother’s sister; it’s part of my identity, part of who I am. My brother is part of my past; we share a common history. And we had plans for the future.”
― T.J. Wray
Finally found a quote that spoke specifically to me. Like CS Lewis says, death is like an amputation. Losing my brother was like cutting away my own identity. A few days before his passing, we had talked about him coming down to 'Bama to visit. Talked about him checking out the air museum on base, and how he was excited to enlist, and maybe he could become a pilot one day like he had always dreamed. We laughed about my recent visit with our grandparents, and his stories from the last few months. Talked about what was coming up for each of us. Then my phone died, and I never got to say "Bye, love you." The only time that I forgot (it's important to our family to say it) and then a couple days later, he was gone.
I've told this story a hundred times by now, but I still am in disbelief by how sudden death came and flipped our world upside-down. Every Friday that it rains reminds me of when I heard the news. Going numb in my legs. Crying even though I knew it wouldn't change anything. Writhing in bed when I was sobbing too hard to sleep and the pain was too much. My husband having to leave shortly after the death and funeral for an Army training, and being alone to grieve (I was relieved to be alone truth be told). Putting on a strong face when he came home to tell myself that I'm better than this. Trying to survive each day, and sleep through the night. The nights when I lie in bed thinking of who I still need to talk to, to tell whoever it is "I love you, and I'm proud of you." Thinking of those I've hurt and all my regrets. While I keep telling my brain to shut up and let me rest.
Or the nights when the pain comes back, sharply stabbing into my heart (there's a physical pain associated by grief in case you didn't know, which is pretty interesting to think about). My husband being asleep, and there's no one else awake to talk to. Or the people who have never lost and try to give you advice, or tell you how to live. Hiding from friends because you're too depressed to show your face. Every date of significance, dreading someone mentioning him, but then again, dreading that they don't.
Seeing my parents in pain, and knowing that there's nothing we can do, as the remaining children, to fix the hurt in their heart. The late night phone calls with sobbing on the other end, comforting my cousin. Afraid to cry too, wanting to be strong and pick everyone else back up while some days... on the inside I feel like I'm the one dying. Trying to avoid the subject with friends, or act casual when it's brought up. Getting the weird looks with my calm approach. Exploring my spirituality while walking blind in the dark, then turned away by the candle I thought was burning the brightest.
Only God can judge me. I cannot wait until the day we meet again.
You have made me numb,
You have made me crumble.
You have created a world
too cruel to live in.
Too beautiful
to live without.
Each moment without you reminds me
of our own mortality.
One day, my dear brother, we will meet again.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
A God to Hope For
Loud shrieks
And heavy tears
That reveal only pain
Only the raw pain and sadness
Caused by losing
What once was loved so dearly
Now gone
Somewhere else distant
A Heaven to dream of
and a God to hope for.
I miss you beyond words.
“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
And heavy tears
That reveal only pain
Only the raw pain and sadness
Caused by losing
What once was loved so dearly
Now gone
Somewhere else distant
A Heaven to dream of
and a God to hope for.
I miss you beyond words.
“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
"If I only could make a deal with God"
Every Friday
Feels like the beginning
Like the stitches have been ripped out
and the skin pulled back
leaving the raw flesh
to burn in the fresh air
Every phone call from family
sends me back into shock
wondering who it is this time
that we've lost
Waking up,
feeling alive.
Knowing that
I have survived.
And the pain of that knowledge
rots me from the inside
When you left this world
you took a piece of all of us.
Never again
shall we feel complete.
Whole.
We struggle.
Wandering in the darkness
Running from the invisible monsters
that haunt our very dreams
We hope
for a better tomorrow.
No.
To see the other side.
To escape this world.
The only pain worse than losing,
is the pain of knowing
the greatness of what
you have lost.
Feels like the beginning
Like the stitches have been ripped out
and the skin pulled back
leaving the raw flesh
to burn in the fresh air
Every phone call from family
sends me back into shock
wondering who it is this time
that we've lost
Waking up,
feeling alive.
Knowing that
I have survived.
And the pain of that knowledge
rots me from the inside
When you left this world
you took a piece of all of us.
Never again
shall we feel complete.
Whole.
We struggle.
Wandering in the darkness
Running from the invisible monsters
that haunt our very dreams
We hope
for a better tomorrow.
No.
To see the other side.
To escape this world.
The only pain worse than losing,
is the pain of knowing
the greatness of what
you have lost.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Dreaming.
God,
I'm just lying here
waiting for you to save me.
Waiting for you to send me
towards my awaiting dreams.
They are calling to me
whispering sweet nothings
into my drowsy ears
God,
You know what I'm looking for.
Who I'm hoping to see.
Please
Please let me sleep.
I need to sleep.
To dream.
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