Waking Up

Darkness fills the room,
Flowing like a ghost
Creeping
like a spider

Eyes clenched closed
Blanket over the head
Hiding from the reality that awaits.

It is awful
how empty this house feels
and you were never here.

The air is bitter cold
The invisible monsters surround
on all sides

Hands rolled into small fists
Each breath shorter than the last
Heart trembling

Silent tears
Silent prayers

-

I awake to a bright sun.
No one would ever guess the night terrors that stalk me.
But courage comes from the heart.

Not a needle

Your invisible monsters are haunting me now.
I will battle until I'm blue from death.

I thought I had all the answers.  That I was doing good.  Doing right.
Then I woke up.
And you were gone.

Stop.
Breathe.
Close my eyes.
Hold my breath.

Sink into the nothingness.

Dear Andrew,

The world just feels so empty without you.

I went sometimes months at a time without hearing from you, but you were always there.  I knew you were there and that was enough.  We all worried, but the inevitable seemed impossible.

Everyday is different.  Every day is a challenge, but I'd be damned if I didn't admit that it's still my gift from God to start over new.

Some days it feels like the hole in my heart is healing, but right now, I think it's simply bleeding out slowly.

I miss you.  Your red hair that seemed to shine brighter than the sun.  How your laugh could lift the spirit in any room.  You never knew what you had planned, but that was all part of your plan.  And how you were there for so many people.  You were so selfless.

But no one is perfect,
and I suppose that's why I'm mourning rather than sitting, laughing with you while you're visiting.  You can't visit anymore.  There's no more "See you later."  No more "Bye, love you."

I can't believe that was the one time I forgot to say it, and the last time I spoke to you.

It's as though the universe was trying to tell me something
but I ignored the warnings and continued on like there was nothing wrong.

Some days I feel like I'm drowning.
Like I've taken in too much water and it's only a matter of time before I sink below the surface.
Damn,
My poker face has gotten better.  Most people don't even ask about it anymore.
By it, I mean you.

Everyone else can move on.  I don't want to. As soon as I do, that means this is real.  I don't want it to be.
I don't want to lose my big brother.  Who'd steal soup for me.  Who'd make up a story to cheer me up.  Who'd make future plans with me, even if we weren't sure if they'd even pan out.

You're not gone though.  One day I will find you.

When I feel that I am not alone, I will turn and you'll be by my side.  We'll laugh because I'll have known it was true all along.  The hole in my heart will have been mended.

To forgive doesn't mean to forget.  It means to understand, and continue living.  I can forgive everything, but this.  I guess I'll just need some time.

I love you.

Love,
Boo

To Feel Safe

At night,
when I lie with you
I feel so safe.

Like nothing in this world would ever hurt me
Could ever hurt me.

As if...
In this moment,
I am invincible
because you
are my savior

You are the one
who has pulled me
from the darkness
and lifted me
towards the light

Who has fought my demons
Bandaged my wounds
and
Set me free

If I could love you more
You would be God himself
You are my blessing in disguise

You are my God.

Today was a beautiful day.

It was a happy day.

And even though the thought of you 

looms in the back of my mind

today was a day

that I could smile and it feel genuine. 

I love my life.

I love my family.

I love my friends.

I love you

and even though you're gone

You're with me every day.

Sometimes the hole

that you left in my heart

hurts more 

than others

But I know 

That one day it will heal over

and all that will be left

is a scar

to remind me

that there will be better days

The Beginning

There are times when I am ready to feel strong.

Not like I'm being beaten down by this grief.

But being held up by the belief

that one day I will indeed

see you again

That I will escape from this world

unbound

and free.

Tell me, brother...

is Heaven all that it's chalked up to be?

I imagine it is.

There are times when I feel so distraught and sad

lonely

weak 

and tired

And so 

I cry.

For what feels like forever

until I know that no matter how much more I cry

it will not change a damn thing.

I'm reminded that I'm not alone in this grief

by the midnight phone call

listening to him sobbing 

saying how much he misses you.

What do I tell them?

If I'm not strong, what will they be

if they're already crumbling?

I'm strong enough to know this is not the end

but indeed

a strange

and lonesome

beginning