A Work in Progress

A Dreamer's Diary

Dream One:

There I am... again. I'm searching for something. Maybe it is someone. I don't know. I'm lost. Wandering yet again. But the heaviness in my heart has finally been lifted.

I can feel the tall blades of green grass scratch at my thighs as I run through this barren field. As I reach my destination.

Home.

Perhaps I have known this all along, perhaps I haven't. But it feels like forever... if I just close my eyes. I know. I know that this is what I need. Here and now. Now... to be here. If only you were here. If only I could open my eyes and share in this moment with you.

If only heaven were quite like this

If only the darkness were not so dark

And the light lifted up your soul like it has mine

I raise my head to the sky,

and breathe in the fresh air.

Home.

It was here all along.

If only I were not so blind

I step forward as my bare feet sink into the soft earth,

new with yesterday's rain.

My hands reach towards the familiar

grasping the rough bark

as it takes hold of me.

The leaves rustle my hair

The roots drag me under.

You knew, and that is why you had to leave me. Is it not?

Tell me you knew why. Just tell me this isn't a dream and that I could open my eyes at any moment and feel this freedom that stands before me. Is it true?

I do not know... but then again, I don't want to.

You told me that all of my tomorrows would be forgotten in the past if I didn't listen to now. I believed you. I believed in you and you have proven yourself to be correct. Yet, here we stand on the field of forgotten dreams wondering how we got this far. You took a chance. And I can breathe.

If only he knew the pain that was once inside me.

Dream Two:

I cannot believe this. Not anymore. The walls have fallen down.

Good Lord, am I truly alone? I haven't felt this pain in so long.

I thought I was beyond this. I thought I could just forget about it and I would be able to move on. He keeps looking at my with tired eyes. He's done with this. As am I. The roof is collapsing in. The smoke has made it difficult to breathe.

Thunder roars.

Lightning flashes.

Here I stand. Alone once again. If only he could have seen how much of my heart I had given to him.

I am broken.

There is nothing left of me to give away.

An empty heart is just as good as no heart at all.

And yet...

I knew it all along.

How can I move on,

when yesterday's pain plagues me still?

My head aches,

My heart yearns

for someone to see the story that haunts me in my dreams.

If only I could wake up.

Dream Three:

The sweet sounds of the symphony rock me into a place I can remember.

I can see, and it is real.

I see the past.

There I am,

running into my father's arms.

He picks me up and holds me tight.

Kisses me on the cheek and says how much he loves me.

I never knew how much that would have meant to me

until now

Have I truly lost everything?

He tosses the baseball

and I catch it perfectly

He's been teaching me how to play catch for the last hour

The smile on his face says everything

Means everything to me

And when I miss the catch, falling down hurt

He picks me up and carries me to the house

He tells me that it will be okay

and that he is sorry

How easy it was to heal those old wounds

If only I could fix what I have broken

If only time could have stood still

or if I knew back then what I know now

Yet time waits for no one

and sometimes you give away what you love the most

to find yourself.

In my heart there is a hole where he once was

As if when I grew older, he moved out

I guess I am not the little girl I used to be

No one said growing up would be easy.

If only he knew how much he still means to me.

Dream Four:

Senior year, and the morning is new. Groggy and disoriented, and there is still so much to get through. New friends, old friends, and people I once knew roam the campus. Laughing, crying, or a weird mixture of the two... somethings just follow us. I need a different muse.

The trees have already started to turn. The fields are fresh cut, and green. Our clothes are the most unwrinkled they will be all year. This is the one moment when you can be whomever you want, to define who you are... and who you will be.

Tomorrow will come too soon. And then we will lose what today we had gained.

I pull on my clothes, as I ready for the coming day. The sun breaks, and the light blinds me through my glass window. It all feels so different, and yet so much the same.

I look around my room. Three days in and it feels just like home. My own sanctuary. Posters and pictures line the wall. My clothes folded neatly and packed gently into my drawers, and my books stacked just right on their shelves.

Who will I be this year? So many different options, and none seem so enticing as finally being myself. The whole world will come to see that this is me. This is who I want to be. Nobody can take that away. This is who I am meant to be.

I'll just close my eyes. And let it all sink in.

Tomorrow never dies.

Dream Five:

The nothingness washes over me like the silence after a car wreck.

Blood drips down my hands, like tiny rivers carved into my wrinkled skin

off my finger tips, to then splatter lifelessly on the ground.

How did I even get here?

-It all makes sense now-

A life flashes effortlessly before my eyes. How I used to be so happy. Those times have changed.

I have grown weary with age and time. I have grown

alone.

If only I could make things right again But this darkness is haunting me

If only I could find a way home But the way has been forgotten

If only I could If only …. perhaps

I could

The sirens scream from every angle.

I pull myself from view,

this metal cave of security will save me

from ever being found

Then, perhaps I could find the way

I can hear their voices calling me back

My eyes flutter

No... I do not know

What is real?

Once, I was a child

held close by my father

the prize of my mother

When did it all change?

It is all too real

The pain

is cutting deeper

than any knife could

How did I end up here? They are calling my name, but I refuse to answer. No one will find me.

Not here. Not this way.

Mangled and bloody. Life free flowing out of me like waves crashing upon a smooth shore.

Effortlessly

No one will find me here.

No one will look here in the darkness

This metal cave

the tall doors pulled shut

The life within me is fading with each second.

Thoughts, memories, regrets

There was so much left to tell you

Why did I throw it all away?

My eyes flutter wildly,

Choking on my own blood,

The pain of this wound is killing me

A spear dug deep into my chest

Cuts and scrapes from hitting the pavement

sting as I lose myself

A light

A voice

Calling my name onward

If I could only reach

his hand

He could be the one

He could save me

I swear that I have looked upon his beautiful face before

"I'll dissolve when the rain pours in,
When the nightmares take me,
I will scream with the howling wind,
'Cause it's a bitter world and I'd rather dream."

Sometimes...

Sometimes I feel like I could just collapse.  Like I could melt away with time and it would cease to matter.  I often wonder why I feel like this.  I lay awake at night thinking, debating with myself why I should keep breathing if the pain screams so loud.  Other times, I hear nothing.  Nothing at all.  Not even my own breathing, as I slip into unconsciousness and must remind myself that it is what I must do.  It feels... unnatural.  As if nothing of my own being truly matters.  I am not depressed.  I am alone.  As we all are at the end of our days.

I have been latching onto words, phrases, quotes, spreading them like wildfire in hopes that someone will see, and read them, and understand what it is to be me.  What it is to believe in the sun and the stars, and that love overcomes all obstacles and will prevail.  The child in me will never die.  My heart is of gold, my mind is of darkness.  Corrupted by age, influenced by impulse.  If only the light could find me.

The sun is rising slowly over the sleeping world
Gently whispering
           -Wake my children,
              The new day has come-
A bright glow on the horizon,
    The fire of an old world becoming anew.

Words that I Needed to Read

"Age of twenty,

There are more uncertainties than certainties.

Once dreamed of future in teenage years,

But now conflicting between the dream and a reality.

Vodka will help to avoid a future,

But temporarily.

We need God."

Dear Stranger,

It feels like it has been years since I fell into this deep sleep.
                                     I am lost
                         within this sickening dream
           or bitter sweet nightmare

-I don't know.

I'm trying not to care

The pain has ripped out my heart
and devours it before my bleeding eyes

The same question haunts my every thought:

Where do you go when you want to be alone?

Do you close your eyes,

and do you cry?

Wallowing yourself up in the dark.

Do you hide 

on the inside?

The pain staying raw as cut flesh

left unhealed 

Because you will never forget

-the wound consumes you-

Or do you simply disappear 

within the dream world you hold dear?

the chaos is all a sweet delusion 

soon to disappear when you awaken

-

I don't know my answer.

It has stuck with me for years now

from a grammar exercise in ninth grade English

The question never fades

Dear Stranger,

I miss you, quite suddenly.  The wound has festered a bit; it has swollen, and oozed.  

You are no longer here to aid me.

I am infected.

Dear Stranger,

If you wake alone, 

know that I had to leave before you could know

that the me you know, is nobody.  

I am a ghost.
Hallow 

and unreal.

My insides are rotten with time and darkness.

My heart was torn out, and broken years ago.

The smile you saw

was a lie

a fake

I am nothing more than an image

An old shattered thought

What you see right before you dream

If you awake alone

know that I love you too much to stay

that the me you know, is dead.

Eternal Love,

Always.