Sleepless Night #One too many

So many thoughts
rushing through my mind

I'm tired
I can't sleep
I miss you
I'm sad
I could really use a damn hug
and
what the hell
am I doing with my life

I just want to feel loved
so then why
do I feel so alone?

Standing Still

I keep reliving the moment

I found out

over 

and over again

Like a reoccurring dream

or rather,

nightmare.

My legs going limp

under the weight 

of my own body.  

My mind going blank

because the news

is too much to bear.

 "I never knew

that grief 

felt so much

like fear."

And I am terrified.

Scared half to death

that in your passing

my whole world

will crumble too.

Scared half to death

that the pain 

will be too much

for my parents 

that the guilt

of past regrets

will eat me alive

that the grief

will consume me

Because it's supposed to get easier with time

So why am I stuck 

standing still?

The Cold World

She sits

silent

watching

the leaves have all fallen

the snow has fallen too

She sits

staring 

out of her window

wondering 

thinking

remembering.

She sits

wrapped-up

cozy in her thick, 

flannel blanket.

Her world

is in a lull 

Not sure 

where she's going

from here

from anywhere.

Her future 

is uncertain 

Her past 

is a confusing blend

of the highest of highs

and the lowest of lows.

and just being alive

to see each day.

Her children

truly love her.

Her husband

adores her.

But still

she has a hole

in her heart.

An ache 

that pulls

at her soul.

She sits

looking

quietly 

out into the cold world.

Snow drifting down slowly

The world turned white.

The world sitting still

as she sits

and looks

quietly out the window.  

Shattered.

My legs go numb.
My mind shuts down.
And the only word that I can say
Is no.
No. No. No. No. No.
You are wrong.
This isn't happening.
It is an awful mistake.
How could this happen?
This isn't happening.
None of this is real.
It is a terrible nightmare.
I will wake up.
This is not real.

And just like that
My world has been
Shattered.

Sleepless night number one million and five.

I NEVER WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN!

My thoughts are getting gloomier
and gloomier.

My eyes keep flickering open
as if by some great miracle
it's morning
and I slept through
the whole night.

Yeah, right.

YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN!

Hold up...
Maybe I will,
that might be an exaggeration.
I don't really know.
The sleeping pills have been helping
for now.

I hate taking pills.
I take so many these days.

One for allergies.
Two for my cold
Two for my migraine
One to be happy
and two
to sleep
sort of soundly.

My life is average.
If the average person
fakes a smile
and acts fine, just fine.

Which the average person does
so really,
it's not a big deal.
~
I like a lot of things
Like dreaming
and sleeping
napping
closing
my
eyes
and letting
everything go
somewhere far, far
away from here.

I am not special.
I never have been.
I am not some brand of beautiful
left undiscovered to mankind.
I dislike most of humanity
because let's be serious,
most people are assholes
and I'm tired of being someone I'm not.
I'm not the most athletic,
nor am I the most intelligent.
But I try to be my best.

I see a world
suffering from the worst illness of all:
the lack of faith.

The lack of believing
that there is a better tomorrow awaiting us
That the grief will one day be lifted
and that one day
We won't need pills
to make us happy.

We will only need
each other.

I only need you.

And so,

I closed my eyes

and let you see me

I let my guard down

and let you see the real me

-Who I really am

on the inside

I let you see the fucked up 

figure

that I would like to call myself

The bruises,

scratches,

scrapes and tears

that are all my own.  

I let you hear my darkest 

most twisted thoughts.

I let you see me at my lowest,

breaking point.

And so,
I closed my eyes
and let you see me.
And all that I am.
But when you see me?
Who do you see?
Do you see me?
Or someone else
completely?

Sink or Swim

My life is pretty confusing these days.

I don't know where I'm going
and why I'm going there.
I'm just going where the current takes me
and right now
it's taking me under.

I don't know if I should come up for air
or let myself drown.

I'm not scared.
I'm calm.
As if I've been waiting for this moment
all of my life.

Floating
or maybe sinking
Here
Water flowing through my hair.
Body trembling with fear
and confidence.

Where do I go from here?