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I tell
myself
to
stop.

Breathe.

Stop.

It is
almost
comical
how I do this
to
myself.

Stop.

Breathe.

Stop.
Recent posts
What do you say
when there are no words
left
to say?

How do you hold on
when
you grip weakens
and your forearms
give out?

I have been searching for answers.
I have been looking
for
a
meaning.

But,
does there
really
need to be?

Migraines and Medicine.

Time
slows
down

And
I can't breathe

No
really
I can't
count
the seconds between
my breathes

I
am
lost
within
my
own vices. 

But
at least
I feel
whole
for
a moment.

A moment.

Let
me
dissect this.

You
ever
wonder
what a moment
even consists
of?

-Hold
up-

Dizzy.

And
the pain is back. 

I blink
But at least
I know
that
I am real.

I have
participated in real life
for approximately
sixty-four days

Or what
I perceive
to be real
life.

But
the pain
wasn't
there
for about
half
of those.

So I thought
maybe
I'm
not real?

I
don't
really
know. 

Breathe.

Eyes
flutter
slowly.

This is
what I have been reduced to.

A shell
of
my
former self.

But
At least
I
am
Happy. 

Right?
Right.

I feel myself slipping
and I'm not sure why.

I call you-
"Something isn't right."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know."
My voice cracks,
"I just don't feel right. 
My chest hurts.
I am so scared."

My world crumbles around me.

"I will be home soon.
I promise.
Just breathe."

I feel myself sinking into the Earth below me.

I feel my entire being
fading back into the Universe
but instead
fall into your arms. 

The First Moments of Waking

The sun rises
Reflections of shades of orange
red
yellow
and white
blind me
as I emerge anew.

The warmth caresses me
softly
dancing across my naked skin

What once frightened me
now stands a testament
to who
I can become.

To what I will achieve.

I am a beautiful piece
to the ever expanding universe
and I will not
be afraid.

I cannot be afraid.

My Shadow Lingers

I have been so stuck in my head recently
-a captive to my own thoughts

Afraid of what the future holds
Reminiscing on what the past has been.

It is amazing
truly amazing
what depression can do to a girl

How anxiety can destroy a fighting soul.

I feel out of place
in my own body.

I feel
-lost-
Utterly lost
and I hate it.

I miss who I was
and who I am yet to be

And I don't even know who that is.

I exist in this moment
and this moment alone

I contemplate the physics and the reasoning for all of this
and cannot come up with a purpose.

I hear my little brother's voice on the phone
and I try to picture his face
but all that I see is the vast space that falls between us.

No one ever told me that growing up
would be so difficult.

I can hardly remember my oldest brother's voice
-he's a far off memory
whom I try to remember
but more oft than not
forget.

-he is gone-

My love is my lifeline
he keeps me fighting despite
my urge to take flight.

I used to have the answers
I used to h…